A “heavenly meeting” I still remember: Light descending from the heavens kissed the ground, casting shadows equally beautiful, and leaving sparkling dust suspended in the air. Overhead, leaves whispered secrets to each other, and birds sang–this was peace and perfection. This was the holy land of my Midwest backyard. And there we strolled, my much older, visiting cousin and I, and she told me about God.
“Where is ‘dog-backwards’?” was my question. It didn’t occur to me to first ask how to address the Almighty.
The answer: Everywhere. In the sun, the grass, the birds, that tree. In you and in me, too. God is everywhere.
For God being supposedly everywhere, I wouldn’t say we had our introductions until some fifteen years later.
I felt the distance from God when I laid awake, in the darkness of my room, the curtainless window sending moonlight in. What kept me up was this: trying to match the reality of our world with what I thought was true about God and His character – neither of which I knew accurately.
But what kept me seeking God was this: the idea that there was nobody watching this world, nothing out there to put it back together when it inevitably burned itself to the ground–that terrified me. And while I couldn’t find God in the sun, grass, birds, trees, and even me, I desperately didn’t want to be alone in that room.
This desperation only became harder to avoid. I was already stuck in a web of questions, worries, void. So every turn only wrapped me tighter within them. This book–it’s supposed to bring me closer to God, so why does it only make me more stuck? Why is it so dull, clutched in these tormented hands? If God was out there, surely he’d shine a light for me to follow out of the web. Falling to my knees, begging for God–this was all I could do. I could only confess in tears, on the floor of my closet-sized room in Korea, “God, I’m dead.”
Some months later:
It’s funny how I pleaded in tears but still hoped for a way to slip out of the Bible class I had found myself at the door of.
Years later:
“Your face–you looked so concerned. What is this place?” my instructor reminisced.
Indeed.
It was weird. I’d never seen so many people gathered to just look at the Bible for three nights a week and there wasn’t even free coffee involved.
Intriguing.
On the other hand, no suffering through long, drawn-out opinions on how to have godly relationships, and that I’m-just-here-for-the-food mentality? Yeah, you can leave that at the door. Just me and the Bible. From day one, I began to see that it was not the same dull book that it had always been to me. This was everything I had ever asked for. Understanding. Twenty years of sleepless nights, pleas, even that afternoon with my cousin–God must have heard it and brought me here. Here, to finally meet Him.
So I stayed, and I listened.
And when the words on the pages started shining, that’s when God said, “I’ve been waiting for you.”
“I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.“
Proverbs 8:17
God is waiting for all of us in the Bible. Maybe God led you to read this today, too.
Written by Samantha
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